Sweet Divorce

It is not uncommon for a divorce that is going fairly well to suddenly resemble the very early days of the divorce crisis. There are a number of things that can spin a divorced family back into crisis mode, and that is often the case when a new love interest enters the picture.

Many divorced parents are taken completely by surprise that their ex blow a gasket when they learn of a new love interest. That’s true for many folks who want nothing more than to end their relationship with their spouse.

Similarly, the person who has the negative reaction to their ex dating someone, and many of those folks are just as surprised by their reaction as their ex-spouse. So, why does this happen?

It can be a number of things, but most commonly the reaction is caused by feelings of fear and rejection. Many divorcees don’t make appropriate attemtps to deal with the death of their marriage until these new circumstances arise. Call it denial, numbness, or whatever you like, but many people just don’t allow themselves to grieve properly during the divorce process and then suddenly they have no choice but to face the truth.

Fear is the number one motivator of divorce behavior. And very often that fear of losing children, or fear of being alone can create some pretty confusing reactions. That’s right, fear of being alone, which is prompted by the stark reality that “my ex has moved on.”

If you’re getting an unexpected reaction to your dating from your ex, it may be time to have a heart to heart and finally get some closure. If you choose not to take that route, at least recognize that it is not uncommon for ex-spouses to react negatively to a new love interest, even if they wanted the divorce very badly. Understanding their reaction will help you to better deal with it.

The time and energy you invested in your former partnership is a valuable asset. It’s your choice whether to use it for regret and self-destructive behavior or channel it positively toward rebuilding your life.

Here are things you can do to help your recovery from divorce:

• Balance Yourself: When trying to reestablish yourself outside the context of your marriage, remember to use balance. Don’t focus solely on one area: emotional recovery, career, children or dating. Instead, rebuild your life in a holistic sense. Remember, now is a time to be selfish and focus on your priorities.
• Rely On Your Friends: You can’t do this alone. You may not have had time during your marriage to maintain a large network of friends. You may lose friends through the dynamics of divorce. But don’t be afraid to utilize the important people in your life and strive to make new acquaintances through social activities, clubs and support groups to help you in your divorce recovery.
• Take Time for You: The fact that you get up every morning and are actively rebuilding your life is an accomplishment. Don’t forget to reward yourself. Use some of the time and energy previously focused on your partnership to make you feel better. Get a massage. Read a book. Take a long bike ride.
• Keep a Journal: Divorce brings a lot of conflicting emotions. Your mind will constantly race between reflection on the past and ideas for the future. Make sure you record these thoughts consistently in a journal. This will help you make better decisions fueled by your wants and needs. It will also help you clearly identify the lessons you’ve learned and character you’ve gained through the process.
• Forgive: A recent study by the University of Tennessee attributes forgiveness as a key factor in lowering blood pressure and reducing anxiety. Divorce may leave you with a great deal of anger and resentment, but remember that energy spent on these emotions is a resource not being applied to your new life. Work through these feelings in your journal, with a therapist or in a support group. Letting go is essential for moving on.
• Use Perspective: It’s important to separate your feelings about your past relationship with your view on romance and partnerships in general. When you feel comfortable, it is important to think about your previous marriage to help identify what went wrong and how this might be avoided in future relationships. This experience has helped redefine your notion of relationships and what makes them work. Take the time to understand your new perspective.
• Date Carefully: Too often divorcees take extremes when reentering the dating pool, either avoiding it all together or jumping in head first, anxious to fill their void with a new relationship. The higher divorce rate for second marriages is often attributed to this “rebound” process. When you are ready, feel free to pursue the possibility of dating. However, don’t fantasize about china patterns on the first date. Now is a time for fun and exploring, but don’t forget that your newly found time and energy are for rebuilding your life and not questing for the next spouse.

Some of you cannot get rid of your ex-spouse, divorce or no divorce. Some ex-spouse continue to show up at the house and spends excessive amounts of time there. Picture a woman, who allows her ex-husband to stay the night with their child in the child’s room. The situation the woman had no control over what the ex chose to do. The reality is it was a choice to allow this to develop and it will be a choice to stop it.

You cannot parent in a healthy manner when your decisions are based in fear of what your ex-spouse will do, say, or feel. Your decisions should be made based on what is healthy for the child or children, and your ex will choose to react however they want.

So, in those situations where a spouse is spending too much “close” time with the old family unit, it usually comes down to a simple issue; boundaries. Most of the time, in those situations appropriate boundaries were never set, and after the dust has settled a person is left with what appears to be a dilema. “But, my ex is going to blame me, and he is going to tell the children I will not allow him to hang out with us.” You are probably right. And you will have to explain to your children that divorce changes how families spend their time together. And yes, they may initially be angry with you. But, you cannot continue to avoid creating true separation if you want to create a healthy divorce.

Set appropriate boundaries and limits from the beginning and you can avoid these uncomfortable situations. If you’re already in an uncomfortable situation, the sooner you set appropriate limits and boundaries the better. How do you do that? You directly address your concerns and you tell your ex what you expect and what you will tolerate and not tolerate. Easier said than done, but its the only solution.

The early days of divorce are about survival. To help understand the process better, let’s break divorce into three distinct periods of time.

1. The Crisis
2. The Transition
3. The Maintenance

It is impossible to give a general period of time when you should be in each of these stages because every family experiences divorce in their own way. But, if you’re pretty early, meaning you’ve started the formal divorce process within the last 12-18 months, then you are likely still in the crisis stage.

These early days are very important for many reasons, but primarily because the things that are said and done during this period of time often set the stage for how the family will operate long after the dust has settled.

In the first year your focus needs to be on survival. When we’re in survival mode, we tend to look at things very narrowly. Similar to how we would look at things if we lived in the stone ages. If were facing a dangerous animal while out hunting for food, your focus would be solely on getting away, preserving yourself, and/or slaying your threat.

In divorce the same thing tends to happen. We get narrow minded and often fail to see the big picture. All too often, we fail to see what our kids really need. Of course, this is normal, but it can create problems for the entire family if we’re not working extra hard to see the important things and not just on survival, getting away, and slaying the threat- usually the ex-spouse.

Still, survival is and should be the goal during these days. So, for example, it is typically recommended (and rightly so) that each parent create a sense of “home” for their children. The problem with that is that when couples first split up, very often one person (many times both) moves to an apartment. Very often this apartment is small and may have one bedroom. In those cases it is impossible to create a real sense of home where the kids have their own room and have their own things the way everyone would want. But, that’s okay. During this time the focus should be on quality time with the children, open communication, and constant effort to get things where they should be.

Eventually, you’ll move into a transition period. This period typically means we’re working a schedule we’re used to following, things are running pretty smoothly and their are many fewer bumps in the road, in particular conflicts. But, that’s a topic for another day.

If you’re in the crisis stage you need to do specific things:

1. Take Care of yourself first. You cannot take care of your kids if you do not take care of you.
2. Set some goals for yourself. Goals help prevent getting stuck in grief.
3. Don’t set yourself up for distress with your ex-spouse. Too often divorcees set the stage for the conflict with an ex, even if the other person is the true problem.
4. Arm yourself with information. The more you know, the better the chances you can create a healthy environment for your kids.

You’ll get through this time if you focus on “surviving” in the proper way.